Poem: Waiting for god

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I don’t want to go away

or be a good brave soldier

I don’t want to say

or hear a treasure

speak my final wish

and throw Excalibur

to safekeeping

in find you later

again and again and again

tomorrow endlessly approaching

full of promises of not yet.

I’m not sleepy why must I nap

pretend to rest to be refreshed

for Christmas and Santa

and not be greedy

wait for my turn

cattle call riot

all dressed up in virginal.

god says you’re almost next

everyday I promise soon

and sends his secretaries

leprechauns with strumpet cakes

and rainbow pantaloons.

He invites me to meet him

at the carnival shootout

but I frighten easy

and the rides make me queasy

and I can’t stop anticipating

what’s taking you so long

have you forgotten me

I’m still here

right where you left

I’ve done my homework body chores

washed plentiful wishes

polished brain to high wonder

learned to dress in knots and blades

I know about letter symbols

multilingual name codes and riddles

my faceplate morphability

my incredibly flexible angles

I’ve died with you on my lips

slept in the moon grove alone

been tested by mischievians

and boredom.

I’ve tattooed your crescent

disrobed for you

stoned in the velvet nest

again they stitched shame to my name

because I wouldn’t confess

I took the blame for you

You witnessed this and more

blissed my mind to patience in eventual good.

What I am and feel is all You

experiencing me as your life double

stunt partner in chains and stocks and flogging

You’ve silently cheered me on

observing my close disasters

car crashes

ecstatic escapist choices

I was cut precisely with church steeples

drank my own dark weeping

mended my wounds with self-teaching

Your superstar label was well intentioned

but invites ridicule in school

They call me name dropper orphan

god sports with your gullibility

they say I’ve been fooled

they lock me in institutions

and hospital booze

they lock me in brothels and wars

I’m stuck in the ticket taker role

the bag holder

they say not yet but praise

my infinite virtuoso patience

They scrawl my fame in bathroom stalls

call me the penny seeker

They say I beg for it

take things too hard

that I like tortured limbo in critical mass

staked and cooked til flesh

falls sweetly off my bones

wild sacrificial martyr

fattened with waiting

for reprieve

release

redemption.

Eve again

pregnant with falling for love.

(Written August 15, 2003 re-edited 1/10/19)

2 thoughts on “Poem: Waiting for god

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