Memoir: Prose Poem: Scapegoated Freedom: Part One

Many consider the Dandelion a weed, they try to kill it with chemicals, that poison the earth. The reality is that Dandelions are medicinal, they can heal and detoxify the body, and the seeds are so intricately beautiful. I love to ask my child to make a wish and blow the seeds in the air for rebirth.

1)

Confession spotlight time/of the unwed mother crime/unnecessary shame/that I wouldn’t claim/because I’m not a fool who cares about what others think of me.

I was proud of my angelic baby/and I will always be grateful/for the gift that was entrusted to me/the privilege and honor of motherhood.

Their judgement can’t stain/my greatest pride is in the birth of my child/No one can erase the grace that was lent to me.

God did not judge my child’s precious worth/because of the lack of a man-made document/the holy grail of a marriage certificate/means nothing but words paper.

2)

Tell the truth and shame the devil:

The truth is I was scapegoated/blamed for their choice to judge and criticize/for causing shame to their clannish pride/But I cast it off like the devil’s lies/that you and I and my sweet child were all born evil in sin/deserving of eternal punishment/without god’s mercy.

I’m sick of that ancient toxin/that cursed us at birth/Sex is not a sin/it’s natural and has purpose/not only for procreation but as an intimate expression/of connection and bonding./We aren’t meant to be alone and die alone in this world./Marriage is a social convention and man-made invention/ it’s not set in stone/It’s a legal and financial contract so what?

You don’t have to be married to give birth/Birth is a miracle that’s supported by nature/There is no shame in being an unwed or a single parent/ My family tried to convince me to marry the father of my child who I didn’t love/but I didn’t want to lie or promise a lifetime of union/with someone who never understood me.

Promises are sacred not to be broken./ Marriage should never be about convenience/it’s not a business contract/although it’s treated that way by some.

3)

That’s something my family could never comprehend/They think status, position and wealth are granted to only Christians/As an earthly reward/I think Jesus would disagree/My brother shouts Blasphemy! How dare you!/You sacrilegious witch!/You gray haired hag!/ Is what he basically said to me/ the one who used to be my greatest hero.

My gray hair is a sign of wisdom/remember Moses and the burning bush?!/Hahaha!/In my mind I debate him/with what I should’ve said/ How I could’ve counter-attacked his dysfunctional logic/blaming me for our mother’s cancer!/But it’s a form of crazy-making/ It’s an argument that I’ll never win with him or them/Because they’re incapable of thinking outside of the Bible.

4)

I’m the scapegoat that carried their shame/I thought I was to blame for not following their course/ I apologized for existing as I am/ For decades I did that.

I even whispered it to my mother’s corpse/ “I’m sorry for not being the daughter that you wanted me to be./I love you Mom.” May you Rest In Peace/finally free/No more worries/no more sobbing/no more praying/ no more howling/to god who loved us silently/invisibly helped us to survive.

I didn’t force my mother to worry and feel sorry for me/I didn’t ask for or deserve their judgmental pity/I’m free of all of that weight/of not amounting to anything that they deemed worthy/I’m free of apologizing for doing nothing wrong/but living my life as I see fit.

I’m finally all grown up now/ I’ve earned my silver wise crown of gray/I’m not the abandoned orphan anymore.